I have been asked on numerous occasions recently, in regard to my music, "what is it that you want?". Every time I was caught off guard, and scrambled around for an answer, usually something along the lines of "err, to play nicer venues". "Is that it?", is probably what they were thinking, but dared not ask. It has prompted me to re-evaluate myself, and my music making, and to come up with some good reason for bothering.
It's certainly not money that's for sure. Anyone who makes music with some idea that they'll make pots of cash, is seriously misguided, and probably psychologically unhinged: a fool, in short. They'd be better off gambling on the stock market and continually reinvesting.
What makes me feel good is the praise, the fleeting moments of delusional brilliance, the power to captivate, the down turning of eyes when I linger too long on an audience member, the physical thrill of singing. All of this is connected to ego in one way or another, and is quite shameful to think about it all. Nevertheless, the feeling exists. Though is it enough to justify art creation?
When I question this amongst friends they all say, "but it's ok, it's an emotion like any other". Easy for them to say when the scale of ego is so small, cute, cuddly almost. Imagine it a million times bigger and it doesn't seem so quaint any more, in fact positively offensive. So being aware of ego, the satisfaction of it being a primal urge, one can accept it and overcome it. Only then can one pursue a worthwhile cause, and a more rational one at that.
Reaching this stage in my thoughts, it suddenly occurred to me. There was no need to "come up with something" as if it needed to be conjured out of thin air for the sake of having something to say. The answer had been there right beneath my nose all along, I'd just been distracted. The point of it all, not just music creation, but creativity in general, is subversion. To reject the common reality and present a different version. To corrupt and question that reality in any way possible. Personal propaganda you might call it.
The protest in my songs, which is most prevalent in "Give Me Detumescence" and "If This is Civilisation", may seem to some as a funny type of sentiment. They often make the audience chuckle, much to my chagrin. There is nothing humourous about either of those two songs, and I am deadly serious when I perform them. I hope the true message comes across when listening in private with no crowd to jostle against.
This tiny meme I have cast out, like a drop into the ocean, is worth every effort, for me alone. No matter how ridiculous it might seem and how quickly it may be forgotten, the irony of delivery, the inevitable hypocrisy, at least I will know that I have stood for the human thing, in my own way. And that is what I'm doing it for.
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7 comments:
I really like this. Questions I’ve always been very interested in (and might claim tiny credit re asking them of you…) I like your answers and how you got there.
Perhaps the next question is why subvert. There are a couple of ways to think about it I guess. First, art as creative expression that helps us question and process reality, a sort of collective psychoanalyst to help us make sense of the world through creative means (as opposed to rational frameworks, logic and data sets) and ask different questions.
Second, subversion in the name of something. Challenging power relations, finding meaning, enabling other ways of relating to the world and others…. In other words, is subversion mainly a protest against the world (because we’re personally not comfortable with it) or is it pro something (a meaningful alternative)? Can or should it be both?
Either way it is based on personal desire for change (and has to be I think as this is what makes it powerful) but one that is very different to satisfying one’s ego.
Very enjoyable read Sir. I like the two songs you quote too.
@tinich
Why subvert? A dissatisfaction with what I see around me.
But I think to protest is a positive thing. Despite the methods and terminology involved in this particular type of protest, there is clearly hope. Hope that someone will listen, and change for the better, do something differently, whatever that may be, a change in the direction that I see as the human way.
After all that though, perhaps it does lead back to ego. Why subvert? To instigate change, which will have ultimately come from your efforts, and to be thanked for it?
Still, it's too abstract for me to conclude definitively. Let the indescribable remain so? Nah...
@nonita
Glad you liked them Nona, hope you're well.
Let it..! It doesn't strike me that you're doing it for thanks.
In my book's acknowledgements I thanked Trent Reznor, because I would never have got through the writing without his music to sustain me, to remind me of all that is best in life, and also of all that is wrong with our world.
And the last words in the book are a quote from Howard Thurman: "Don't ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive"
If Trent had looked at the state of the world and decided that he was going to drop his musical career in favour of campaigning/lobbying/whatever, I'm sure he would have made less impact than he has on millions through his music (see e.g. my post here: http://is.gd/g9MTs). The same could be said of David Attenborough following his passion, or so many others.
Music makes you come alive - what more reason do you need? And, as it happens, your music helps me to come alive. Thank you.
Subversion, coming to life, they're the same thing. Whatever we subvert is a fossilized remnant, a zombie/vampire undead left-over of a previous attempt to find a way to live within engagement. Once it's become institutionalized, it's no longer alive. Subvert away!
@Shaun That is a fine point to make. To be alive, hmmm, I feel a Sondheim line about to burst out! There are plenty of walking dead out there, and more of them we do not need. I'm flattered that you think I am not one of them. Glad to be of use.
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